An Uncomfortable Confession

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In the spirit of openness and honesty:

I haven’t explained what brought me back to Art.  Why I decided to devote myself to the thing that I’m happiest doing, despite the hardships…  Despite ‘From 0’.

So here goes…

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Guilded Butterflies
2012

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The law broke me.

A judge looked over his reading glasses and told me that I could bring my children up as well on Skype as I could in person.

So now my 6 year old daughter and 8 year old son live on the other side of the world, and I have skype with them twice a week.

When the law crushes your soul its hard.  There’s an amazing amount of stress. No sleep. Questions loop over and over in your mind… How could a judge make a decision that goes against family law?  How could he issue a court order that is not worth the paper its written on? Should I appeal, or is the entire system rotten?  If I can’t rely on the law, what can I rely on?

You feel helpless. Stripped of your rights. Stripped of fatherhood. Left between a rock and a hard place.  No good outcomes available.  Depression takes over. Your brain starts wandering into the darkest places…

How are you going to do it?

Where are you going to do it?

Rope would hurt the neck wouldn’t it? Why does that matter?!

The middle of a forest.  I’ll drive somewhere out west and walk 5 kilometres. No one would find me there.  It will be like I just disappeared. Is that a good thing for the people that love me?  The people that love me…  My children. What about them.  What would they think when they’re older? How would it affect them? How can I be of service to them if I am dead?

So, what’s it to be?

Death? Or death by a thousand cuts?!  What a choice.

‘Whether ’tis Nobler in the mind to suffer

The Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune,

Or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles,

And by opposing end them: to die, to sleep

No more; and by a sleep, to say we end the Heart-ache’

A tragedy is a story with no good outcome. It’s a tragedy!  Like King Lear.  There we go – I can name it, and if I can name it, I can manage it, can’t I?!  People have lived with worse. Much worse. If they can do it, so can I.

‘Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.’

My unconquerable soul…  But is it unconquerable?  Am I not beaten? Am I not broken? Dislocated from blood. From love.

Manage the tragedy. That’s the first step. Then build. Start again.  You can do it. You’ve done it before. Sure, this time its bad, but think about people that have been through worse…

‘Out of the night that covers me…’

Tragedies don’t end, but maybe they can fade…

Remember what you saw at the bottom of the blackness?  It wasn’t hate.

Believe in love.  With belief there’s hope.  No one can take that away from you. Not even the law.  Belief and hope live inside your own head.  No-one controls that except you…

If you’re not going to die, what are you going to do?

What do you love doing?

What have you always loved doing?

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If you would like to share your thoughts and feelings, please do so in the comments section below.

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